Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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