Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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