morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have aggressive nipples.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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