It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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