Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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