i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How external is "for external use only"?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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