If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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