Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
