There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
