I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
