And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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