Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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