No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
