My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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