you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
