Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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