Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
