Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The maid of honor just puked.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize