fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
