I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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