we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Actions speak louder than pants.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize