A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize