well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
