Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
