I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
