Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
