Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
