Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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