the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
