I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
