I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
