How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
