I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
