He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
