I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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