One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
