I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We need to rekindle our bromance
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
