Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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