I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
