Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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