shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
