I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
