I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
