Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize