I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
