it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
