Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
