I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
