she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize