I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
