I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize