just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
