why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
