pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
