Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
