I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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