He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
