The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
