I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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