Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need to calm my uterus...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
