I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
