You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
