she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
