so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
